Aside from being in a sort of sadness at the moment, had a lot of thinking on my ride back. My heart hurts a little bit, I have so many fears right now... but inevitably it will go unnoticed, fall into the norm, be forgotten, and perhaps another bloke will come along and treat me ill, and I will bend over backwards trying to appease him, get approval, make him want me for what may be the real or fake me, I'm not quite sure which since they intermingle often. And it makes me wonder if I'm really just for use to men, they love me, but then they "love" me and everything falls away. And I'm left standing there, still with a shred of hope that I will carry with me till I'm with someone else and if that someone doesn't work out, I will, then again, begin to hope just a little. I sometimes question why I want to be with someone, approval is a big motivation, sense of belonging, a sense of direction, someone to give my loyalty to, male companionship, because sometimes I wonder if its to fill the void of not having a father. However, I'm strange in what I want, or who I want, though I look for nice guys, at the same time I need someone to, in a way, control me, control my feelings, in essence toy with me. I'm very submissive and have a hard time deciding for myself, taking pride in my actions, security, tell me what to do type of thing. Those that I have fallen hardest for have done similar things, raise my hopes, and drag them down to the water to drown them, occaisonally they let me up for air so I survive quite a while. It keeps me in a state of mind where I don't -no- can't move out of the situation wondering if I leave will it cause them devastation, or if I stay will they not care? Will they come to me, or will I be left empty handed? It always makes me think about the times spent together, did-does it mean anything or was I simply a fool? I resent the control, but when without it I assume a negative control. There is-was a guy who I dated who genuinely cared, loved, wanted me, no strings attached, no control and I threw it away because I had too much power in the relationship. I was a bitch, I sometimes de-humanized him, mocked him sometimes, didn't allow him to buy me things, made him seem and feel insignificant. Mind you he had faults too, mostly cause he played his video games too much and I felt as though he cared more about those than me. But me with control is not a positive for I'll never be happy with the results. I've slowly improved my relationships I have, but I still never get them right, there is always a catch, something that keeps the person, in certain ways, unattainable. Perhaps I'm not fit for relationships, and those that I find that I think would work well, cannot feasibly happen at the current moment in history. I make faulty decisions a lot, example was when I left my University to be with the guy I loved, turned out he was cheating on me... I might emotionally hide for a while again, or fall back into the "graces" of some ex as I often do. But I'm trying not to fall back on an ex again, perhaps Ill just cry it out, or feel as though the crying will happen, but never really cry because crying is a weakness, a fault, or so I used to think or perhaps still think. Can't leave the walls down, or this happens.